For awhile now I’ve had a series of epiphanies (which I realize doesn’t make any sense but go with me for a moment.)
They usually happen while I’m rocking the dude down for the night. It’s my favorite time of day because not only have we survived the day, but it also means we are one more day closer to being a whole complete family again.
When we are out at the beach or the park or music class I often find myself wishing daddy were here to witness the events of the day, sadden by the fact that he is missing out on so many little milestones of our dear little man’s life. But at night, when he is curled up in my arms, talking in his usual bode-speak about his day, fighting to keep his eyes open, then eventually letting out that last sigh and going sweetly off to dreamland, I start to get a little happy. One look at that little peaceful face and I realize how amazingly lucky I am.
I am the gatekeeper of all that is Boden. I know the most about his day, his likes, his dislikes, what threw him into a fit, what makes him jump for joy. I know all his little secrets. Which baby (stuffed animal) he prefers at the moment. It’s at night when I realize that my husband will never know our son the way I know him. There will never be an extended period of time where I am gone the way daddy is, so when daddy knows Boden, he knows his son as a member of our family. As one of us. He will never know him as just him and his little dude. Surviving, thriving while mommy is gone.
So on those days when I start to get particularly sad about daddy being gone, I think of how lucky I am to get to know my child as just us. Him and me. And even though I would give everything I have to never have my child live a day without his daddy, I know these moments, our bond, is special. We have our little war wounds that no one can take away.
xoxo a hui hou